my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
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