What did we do last night that was yellow?
Saying she let herself go implies she was actually holding on
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
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