so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
We need to rekindle our bromance
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
we turned studying into a drinking game, she drinks when she gets it right, i drink when she gets it wrong. so we'll be out soon
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
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