oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
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You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
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