I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
I'm also 3/4 on the frats. Its like my goal of traveling to all 7 continents, but different somehow and a lot less morally sound.
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
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