I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize
