I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
i fuckib htae you, you church bitch.
Once you see the odd facial expressions and noises a guy makes while he is furiously beating off on top of you, it kind of puts things into perspective.
Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
found inexpensive tickets to Norway. Questioning if its legal. PLEASE tell me you remebered the walkie talkies and face paint.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
Randomize
