wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
Randomize
