How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
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