After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
