youre lurking in front of me
I don't think its a good idea if I moon a whole bar again
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
