Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
so we were having anal, both very very drunk when he started shouting his roomates name
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
Randomize
