If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
I love reading their "i love you more" , "no i love you more" war on facebook today knowing that he hooked up with me last night. I bet i know who wins that one.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
apparently when we were gone the parents play strip connect 4
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Randomize
