I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
everyone who works at gamestop is basically destined to live with their parents for the rest of their lives... so i said no.
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
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