Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
We need to know if his feet match his cock.
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
Randomize
