Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
Randomize
