All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
We always end up having sex in random places after class. I need to stop letting this dude borrow my pens.
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize
