The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
Randomize
