he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
I figured if he was OK cheating on his gf with a guy, he'd be OK with me posting his number to m4m Craigslist Ads
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Randomize
