So what if i'm late to spanish tomorrow. who the hell cares. i don't even speak spanish.
I don't think its a good idea if I moon a whole bar again
you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Randomize
