so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
i think i would be more confident if i were chinese.
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
I shagged another guy with one ball last night. Are there really that many dudes with one nut in la or am I just a magnet for prostetic testes?
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
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