I wanna come home
And do what?
Kiss. Rip clothes off. Repeat.
Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
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