Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
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