I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
Theyr drawing diagrams to try to explain to me how high they are
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
Randomize
