Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
All three women i have fucked in the past week are here in the same bar. Gameface, go.
Gonna go for any of them?
Thursday night girl, but friday is watching and tuesday is serving us.
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
Randomize
