A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
BROstal carolina. Watching a boy drinking rum and coke out of a cup of noodle empty cup.
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
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