She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
Randomize
