I'm going to jail i love you
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
Gay?
German.
Pity.
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
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