that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
Ya. My thumbs are those buffalo's, but my legs are spirits and my torso is that Indian guys and my head is the eagle
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
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