she just sneezed while going down on me. is it rude for me to ask her to do it again?
my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
