I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
Randomize
