the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
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