I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
Send help, water and tortillas.
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
