got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
I have peed in a lot of sinks
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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