We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
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