even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
No. I still stand by my previous statement that nachos and tequila is the breakfast of champions.
dont get me wrong, i like when a guy is into my boobs but when he started saying mama i want milk let me suck, i gathered my shit together and bounced.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
Randomize
