Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
Sorrye. The bathtuv says hi. But theresno water in it. I've wanted too tell you for the longest, but nevr could
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
I was simply suggesting that you really should try coke bondage sex.
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
Randomize
