Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
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