Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
The forest. Magic mushrooms. Wind trees leaves sky. That is alll.
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Randomize
