Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
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