i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
