just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
Randomize
