if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
I am midnight drunk by noon
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
DETAILS
long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
