i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
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