dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Randomize
