So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
i think we sleep fucked last night...
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
