You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
I need mimosas to revive my soul
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