she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
You should frame my arrest warrant.
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
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