If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
Just had to pull out another loan to pay for that public drunkenness citation. I am so ready to graduate.
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
I would have done it. But then again I am a starving student who can manipulate my brain into thinking my decision was somehow morally justifiable.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
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