she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
Randomize
