She said so on her MySpace, so it's gotta be true.
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
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