i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
do u usually make out with people before telling them your name???
just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
