I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
Its your turn to fuck our RA next time she threatens us with an underage.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
Randomize
