Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
Let's roleplay tonight. I'll be drunken diva and you be sexy sober.
IF that's your way of making me dd then count me out.
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
Randomize
