maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
the lesbians just got naked and went into the ocean... this never happened when i was a camper.
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
Randomize
