i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
Randomize
