Nipple clamps can be ambiguous
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
