I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
I was wondering where I've seen this kid then I remembered I saw him doing lines of blow of his gf's leg while she was sleeping last week.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
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