I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
