When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
Randomize
