I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
I think your dad took our porno
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
you made out with another girl for some wings
We're too hungover to prance.
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
Randomize
