just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
Um, I don't really remember much about the event... and then I woke up on the metro..
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
don't judge my taste in strippers
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Randomize
