roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
Randomize
