i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
Ya well my good-girl image was pretty much blown when he found out I'm going to jail soon.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
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