The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
It's whatever. I just want to see his dick again
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
Randomize
