i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
Is licking assholes a new fad or something?
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
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